The Silence That Never Goes Away
The silence of the pain is killing me, it never goes away. The pain I speak of is the abuse at the hands of my older brother. He was a person I expected to look up to, a person I expected to protect me from harm. Instead, he is the one that caused me harm, caused me pain and the reality I face is the pain of suffering for the rest of my life.
All the memories were tucked inside deep inside , hidden away until that one day…. one day they all came alive and they were fresh.The pain, the anger, the hurt all came back to haunt me. The day I will never forget …. the day the memories came to light. The day my life came crashing down.
The abuse all started as far back as I can remember, I was about 5 or 6 years old. The abuse continued for many years. He molested me, forced me to do unheard of things at such a young age. To this day the memories still affect me. When I look back at it all, I was terrified. He threatened to beat me up if I said anything to anyone. This went on for years, some of which I blocked out, some of which I remember vividly. The touching, the sex acts he made me perform, just completely and utterly horrific !!! No wonder I blocked them out of my life for so many years.
I was married and just had my beautiful baby girl. My brother was here in my home. He picked her up and held her. The look in his eyes just terrified me. It was like I remembered the way he looked at me when he molsted me. I yanked her out of his arms and asked him to leave. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops…. “child molester, pervert, abuser” !!!! I couldnt get the words out. I wanted to, but instead I became withdrawn and out of touch with many people, including my own family.
In time I went to see a therapist that was recommended by my insurance, what a joke. The therapist asked me such lame questions, almost as if it was my fault !!! How dare he ask me such questions, it was NOT my fault I did not ask to be abused !!! It was time that I find a new counselor asap, I searched and searched. Then came the time to see someone else.I had to struggle again with telling my story, my memories all over again, the tears, the heart ache the pain !!! I was going to weekly sessions, after a couple of months I finally decided to tell my husband what all of the “doctor appointments” were for. He was angry, hurt and confused. Most of all, he was behind me, proud of me for making the decision to talk about it. After a couple months I stopped going to the counseling sessions. The pain was just too unbearable.
I never really trusted anyone with my story, my truth, the facts of my childhood. I never openly discussed this with anyone, but I knew that I had to tell someone. I trusted only two others. They were shocked, saddened, angry and hurt for me. They hugged me and wanted to go hurt my brother, I couldnt allow that. I needed to heal so that I could approach him myself.
Heal, ha, what a joke, 40+ years later I am still hurting, I STILL have not healed. So if in telling my story helps another person share their pain and suffering and helps them heal, then I have succeeded in helping them get the help they need. Thats why I decided that telling my story, here on this page, would be good therapy for me.
Being sexually abused at such a young age made me very promiscuous now that I think back on things. The first time I had sex I was 16. I went into a spiral that has never quite ended. Never being able to pinpoint why I needed to have sex in order to feel loved. Now that I look back on things I can see why. Sex was the only thing that healed the hurt inside. It made me feel in control. I could be in charge. But was I really the one that was in charge? I felt used and even more abused with every sexual encounter. The never feeling good enough for anyone, the never healing. I just wanted the pain to go away.
To add to the molestation by my brother, I was raped twice. Raped by a date and forced to perform oral sex.To this day he denies it. Raped another time by a stranger. I dont recall all the details, perhaps I never will. Is it better for me not to know? I dont know… only time will tell.
I have had many sexual relationships. Relationships with married men, older men, younger men and some relationships that may even shock the average person. To me, it was what I needed at the time. At the time I felt that I had to have sex in order to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. In my marriage sex was awesome, then it went kaput and there’s been nothing for years now. A marriage with so many years behind me, and so many wonderful memories, how could it all stop in an instant? I was told because I pushed him away. I beg to differ, but thats not what this story is about.
Now I face the daily life of my marriage mentally abusing me because there is nothing but arguing and bickering and the mental despair of sleeping in the bed with someone who is now a stranger. I feel like I am sleeping with the enemy.
The events that unfolded over the years have all taken a toll on me and my relationships. Sad for the lies, sad for the hurt, sad for the pain.
I need to heal. Healing starts from within. Lets all take a stand against our abusers and make them face the pain of what they have done to us. We can no longer allow ourselves to be put to blame. We are not the abuser! We are the victim and we all need to be heard !!!
There is more abuse I endured at the hand of my father, both physical and mental abuse. My whole life I have been told I would never amount to anything. I watched him beat on my mother, my siblings and myself. The beatings were far worse than you can ever imagine. Many a day I went to school with a busted lip, or my legs so swollen from being beaten with a belt I could barely walk. So many small things I would get beat for. This went on until I moved out when I was 20. I was glad to be out of the house, but felt for my mother and my siblings that still lived with him, his anger and his abuse !
After my mother passed away, my father said some pretty hurtful things to me and I have never been so hurt in my life by his words. I never did tell my parents before they passed on about the abuse at the hands of my brother, but my father did get a 6 page letter about how I felt growing up, my pain, my anger. He said he read it, he said we would talk about the things I wrote….. that never happened. Once again, my abuse went silent.
I told my other siblings about the abuse from my brother, another weight lifted off my shoulders. Healing is taking time, but I am determined. I can do this, I am woman, I am strong. I have friends who walk beside me holding my hand through this all.
Many tears have fallen this past week as I have struggled to write this, but its good. Crying cleanses the mind and soul. I am healing and its going to take time. I can get through this.
You may sit here and feel sorry for me and cry tears for me. I will ask you not to do that. I will ask you to please talk to your friends if they are abused, then help them get the help they need. They may be too scared thinking they are the only one. Trust me, abuse and violence will not stop unless we victims put a stop to it. Be the voice you want heard. Together or alone, let your silence go on no further.
A simple slap can turn bigger, a shove can turn into a punch, a punch turn into a battle. Get the help. You are NOT alone. As long as you have a voice, there is no reason that you should suffer in silence any longer.
The mental abuse I endured was never ending. I hated myself because he made me believe I was nothing. He made me feel less of a person, but damn it I am a person! I am worth something to myself and the people around me. My voice will be heard.
I vowed to never ever spank my child or beat my child the way my father beat me. I kept that promise to me and my daughter. I broke that cycle and you can too by talking and getting the help you need now. Break your cycle of violence and abuse.
If you were abused, please do not beat your child. Do not mentally beat them down or physically harm them. Walk away, send them to another room, gather your self and then sit calmly and talk to them. They are not a punching bag nor put here on this earth to be abused.
We can heal from physical scars but the mental ones take longer.
Get the help you need, face your abuser and make them pay for what they have done to you !!!!
BREAK THE SILENCE NOW !!!
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.